I've tried many times to write this blog post. I've fretted, worried and wondered..."Should I really share this much of my life with people?" Then I'd think to myself, "no one will read it anyway" as I sometimes do in a self deprecating way. I've been mildly challenged to write more by a few friends, one I've met in real life and have come to respect ginormously, and others that I've only met online but have come to know as much as I could possibly know, without having met them in real life, yet. So I've decided to accept their challenge and go with what I know, which is my thirst for infinite knowledge, my long and tedious quest for personal growth and healing, my desire to have more meaningful, heart-connected relationships with other women, my ferocious urge and longing to give back to others what I am learning about myself, the creative initiate inside of me that is emerging, changing and leading me into a new way of life, my own reawakening of the spirit and soul, and the beauty of love that I am learning how to give without expecting anything in return, and the power I am taking back from places it did not belong to begin with. I could go on with those things, those truths. The things I am learning from the extraordinarily authentic and "truth"-filled human beings who's soul's I am in love with and I honor them with the commitment I make, to heal my own self, my own soul and to transform into knowing who I have always been from the beginning and fulfilling my path on this earth. Most of all I give thanks to my Creator, because without Him, I could never create my own beautiful life.
So where to begin? Some of my friends out there may think that I'm certifiably insane after reading the next few blog posts that I will write, including this one. My hope is that if I am to suffer any judgement over my beliefs, which have always lived inside of me and have been waiting patiently for me to catch up to them, dance with them like a Hafiz poem that can make you laugh and cry at the same instant, that the judgement will be more towards the positive side than the negative. I know how people can be with their judgements, so I'm prepared to lose a few people from my circle of friends. And that's ok. In fact, it's already happened. It happens in the circle of life. (Notice the circles so far, and the circles to come) I'm very sensitive and tender-hearted so it can sometimes be very hurtful, but I'm learning that I don't have to let it affect me to the extent I have in the past. I'm becoming whole again, little by little. One tiny baby step taken every single day, knowing that I will stumble now and again, just as little babes do.
The solidification of my "wholeness" has been a very complex, beautiful, symphony of people, places, and sometimes, things, that have brought me to where I am now and where I am going. Without all of the people, places and things, I would still be stuck in a black hole of unrelenting torment, mental disarray and chaos. For so many years, very few people even knew that I carried so much "weight" around all of the time, that I was in pain and anguish. I smiled, said everything was fine, never wanted anyone to feel my anguish. But I felt diminished and worthless. I was worthless, in my own opinion because I had been taught that I was worthless. I was taught that I should never cry, have no opinion, keep my mouth shut and never cross the tyrant. What is worse is that I was given mixed signals about it because I was always treated differently around certain people than I was with others. I was treated better around certain people. For years afterwards, when I realized how I had become what I was, I started to show how I felt in a very strong manner. I was crushed from my inner being and finally I let it out. Unfortunately, I think that in releasing all of that built up anguish and sorrow I actually caused people to run from me. I was that "too much" woman that Pixie Campbell and Athena Perakis speak of on Sacred Grit to the nth degree. I was beginning, in my own "there is no wrong way" way of dealing with all of my heartache and pain. It wasn't the best way but it was my way.
Now I have to take responsibility, because it's my beautiful life and I don't have to let that ruin my entire spirit and soul. I was a child when my torment started and it really never ended as far as the trauma it instilled into my body. However, I have managed to learn, with the help of a few tremendously wise mentors, that I can put a stop to the torment and pain. I can learn to manage it. I am able to learn that I am worth something and I do belong. My feelings do matter. Your feelings matter. You matter. We all matter. If only we could all realize this and treat each other like we all matter. But not everyone will think this way, at any time in their life. I cannot be responsible for the fact that they do not. I can only be responsible for the way I treat other beings and for the way I treat myself.
If you look at the world you can see that it is a beautiful symphony of things that work together. We as women need to look at this and employ mother nature's ways back into our lives again. We need to care about each other and ourselves. Circling women feed each other's soul and give each woman in that circle a place to feel safe, even for a few hours, and it encourages them to be better women, who can then go out and help our men and children be better souls. I want that world. I want to live in that world. Let's make it bigger.
Come with me to find the magic in our own healing in the circles that we will create. I'm just getting started. I hope you will join me.